WISPs and incorrigible condolences

 Over my lifetime I've heard hundreds of stories from those who have been assaulted by impossible, incorrigible condolences from what I call, the WISPs--Well Intentioned Stupid People. 

I've read countless stories over the years, but never really believed how absolutely accurate they were until my Sean died on January 13, 2024. I'd gotten assorted quips and quotes from people when my parents passed, but the whoppers have come in with excessive regularity since January. 

Here are my recent experience of some of the WISPs greatest hits:

"At least he's not suffering anymore..." (um, yes...but what about ME?)

"Well, at least you won't be stressed taking care of him anymore." (Seriously? I only had ONE source of stress? I didn't know that...)

"At least you don't have kids." (That was by choice and has NOTHING to do with how I am grieving the loss of my HUSBAND...)

"It's good that you don't cry so much." (I cry ALL the time, ALL day long, but it clearly isn't safe in front of YOU.)

"You have so much free time now, you can do ANYTHING!" (I struggle most days with making myself do SOMETHING, because often there is NOTHING I want to do.)

"Wow-you should travel more." (Where? Why? To see people, places and things I still can't talk to my husband about anymore? I'll stay home, thanks...)

"Well, he's not sick anymore so that should be a comfort." (It IS....but still, having my beloved healthy and ALIVE would be a better alternative...)

"You must be sleeping better...." (No, actually, I'm not. Most days I feel like an outright insomniac.)

"You're so brave." (Being a widow isn't a conscious choice I made. It was thrust on me and bravery has nothing to do with it...)

and of the most commonly abused phrases-

"I'm here if need someone to talk to..." (No, you're NOT... You haven't been and we both know you won't be! Fuck YOU! Fuck OFF! Get the Fuck OUT OF MY FACE!!

Ahem....that said, even in the middle of hearing these gross utterances, I understand that the people saying them are often struggling with trying to say something comforting to me. They are trying to be kind, positive, and hope they are motivating me toward a better life. So, screaming at them is probably not the best course of action to take-out loud, anyway. In my head, I rant and rave, "Shut up! Shut UP! Please just SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!", but in reality, I thank the WISP for their condolences and we both go on with our days.

Assholes are assholes and I try not to hang around those folks, anyway. But those phrases above were spoken by people I know who, at the very least, know me and like me a little.  I believe that in the awkward moment of recognizing the loss of another's loved one (which often mirrors a loss of our own), we desperately want to quell, not just the other person's sadness, but our own, too. It feels like twice the grief and requires a BIG statement, right? It's as if, "I'm so sorry for your loss..." just doesn't seem to be good enough? How ridiculously STUPID.....how insanely HUMAN....

I've also reflected on how many times I have undoubtedly been a WISP myself. I know I must have said something well-meaning but incredibly insensitive and stupid, from a desire to just ease someone's pain. I've learned a LOT over the years. 

My usual course of action is to button my lip and accept the condolences from where it was likely launched, not necessarily where it landed. I can scream about it later...