I joined a local Griefshare support group exactly one week after Sean died. I had done a brief Google search, knowing that I needed some place to go to process my loss with others who understood. I was overwhelmed and needed a safe place to talk about DEATH. I didn't want to do a therapy group; I already had a therapist and didn't want to double dip in the therapy pool.
So, I looked online and found they were held in local churches. I'd been to a variety of 12-step groups since I was in my mid-20s and initially attended Al-anon as a way to understand my then-fiancé and support him in his recovery. After that, I was a support for friends and clients who wanted to go the AA, NA, ACoA, GA, CoDA and others. I found the focus to work on yourself was a perfect fit for me and my practice of self-awareness. Despite being baptized Roman Catholic (and absolutely lapsed in practice in my family), I was able to tolerate the 12-Step message of a 'Higher Power' and 'God as you understand God...' as I experienced varying degrees of spiritual emphasis, depending upon what meeting I was going to and where it was being held.
However, I am NOT a Christian. If I have to label myself and my spiritual beliefs, I would say that I am an Eclectic Witch/Wiccan/ Pagan. The more meetings I attended of Griefshare, the more uncomfortable I felt. I had to listen to group members bash homosexuals and experienced viscera cringes when I disagreed with a lesson related to a bible verse or Christian belief, especially as it related to my own spiritual practice.While the website spoke of not pushing the Christian religion on anyone and just focusing on grief, the constant references to Bible passages, homework about turning to Jesus, admitting we're angry, resentful, etc and turning it over to Jesus in order to truly find healing was not working for me. I stuck it out as long as I could; two 13-week sessions and I finally had enough and decided I would not go back.
So where does a grieving Witch go? How do Pagans grieve? Sean began our relationship as a devout Atheist, but after 16 years together and numerous conversations about my path and practice, I'd say he was more Agnostic at the end of his life. Death is a part of life and for those walking Pagan pathways, it's a natural part to be connected to the cycle of life that way. Many of us honor our Ancestors as part of our regular practice. Having lost all of my immediate family since 2012, I've honored the memories of my mom, dad, brother and nephew and now, my beloved husband joins their side of the rituals.
In the early days of my spiritual explorations, I was taught about only the Roman and Greek deities, despite feeling less connected to them than to others since then. I research many death deities and ritual practices from various cultures and practices around the world. I have worked with Santa Muerte (Latin America) for at least a decade when She made herself known to me. She has been a great guide, especially after I lost my father. Friends have directed me toward Hecate, as She is part of their personal pantheons and considered, not just a Death Goddess, but the Goddess of Witches. I have gained much insight and comfort from looking at different cultural practices and beliefs to honor the dead and the Deities associated with Death:
Hades (Greek), Anubis (Egyptian), Eshu (Yoruba), Osiris (Egyptian), Crom Cruach (Celtic), Shiva (Hindu), Hel (Germanic), The Morrigan (Celtic), Hecate (Greek), Yanwang (Chinese), Persephone (Greek), Arawn (Welsh), Pana (Inuit), Maquetauire Guayaba (Taino), Baron Samedi (Haiti), Wakan Tanka (Lakota Sioux), Ankou (Celtic), Yama (Hindu-Buddhist), Dis Pater (Roman), Odin (Norse), Milu (Polynesian), and so many more.
I have been finding healing and peace in learning how people throughout time and around the planet mourn the dead and honor the Ancestors. Their are practices that are common or Universal in various corners of the world. Sean wanted to be cremated and so he was. There is a candle on my altar for him and for my parents. I light it almost daily in honor of the loved ones no longer with me in this life. I also have time to speak and commune with them. I conduct prayers/spells at various times of year for healing, for memories, and for love of those beyond this world. The Pagan path helps me connect to the living and the world beyond the living. It helps me feel connected to the man I lost who was the most important person in the world to me. That connection and it's loss leads me to find support and I find it in LIFE. I find it in the people and places in the world through our shared experience with Death.
Whatever spiritual path or practice you follow, I hope it gives you peace if you are grieving. The Pagan path is helping me heal in ways that others have not. There are not enough spaces for people to have their spiritual beliefs respected if they are non-Christian, let alone respected with a subject matter that is as taboo or feared as Death. It's still sad that we have to consider anything other than Christian as 'alternative' religions or practices, when the Pagan path has infinitely more and older practices for Death and grief work. We need to respect and make room for Death and grieving in all cultures. We are still not so far away from being cavemen throwing rocks at the Full Moon, as we are in letting ourselves grieve and honoring our dead in whatever way helps us heal. I find that by walking this older path of spiritual practice, I've begun healing the loss of a man I love so very much. In Griefshare, I was only too aware that I wasn't accepted for my beliefs and it made it harder to deal with my grief until I was away from them. In Paganism, my church is the world-seen and unseen-and in connecting with that, I am able to grieve my lost family and my love, Sean, in ways that let me get better, not bitter or beaten.
