One thing I find that regularly brings up anger in me is the extreme push to have widows, 'move on', 'get over it', or 'stop hanging on'. A recent comment regarding my 7-month mark since losing my beloved Sean, was met with: "Turn the page. You're still here." A relationship that lasted over 16 years, and after 7 months, they advised I just 'turn the page'. Thoughtless...
If I say I'm having a tough day because I'm grieving, I'm still met with cringing faces. The discomfort is near tangible when I mention an anniversary, a memory, or a milestone. Except for close friends, or those in the grief groups I belong to, I've noticed NO ONE asks, 'How are you today?' I regularly ask all those I come in contact with this question. It's compassionate, courteous, and just trying to be a decent human being.
The bigger question is: WHY do we keep being pushed, guilted or coerced into 'moving on'? Grief lives where LOVE lives. Love does not die. One of my favorite quotes says it best:
"Death ends a life, not a relationship. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on-in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here." -Morrie Schwartz
Is this MY grief, or does it belong to whatever audience I'm with when I need or choose to express it? Are we obligated to make other comfortable with grief based on their current comfort with death, love, sadness and loss? Here my healing begins, and my anger starts to rise...
If you accept me, you accept all of me. For those uncomfortable with MY grief in my own way and time to deal with it, then we have just established a BOUNDARY. And what is most important to know is, as Gandalf said, "You shall not pass." Healing means I reclaim what works for me-my self care, my ideas, thoughts, and beliefs as a widow-and that can only work if I establish what I feel is best for me. I will not codependently put your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, or wants above my own.
When I feel stuck, I will trust those closest who I already know have my true best interests at heart. I will seek professional advice or lean on the support of like-minded folks also dealing with their own grief. But at the end of the day, I will not change what does not need changing. I do not and will not pretend to not miss the man I spent so much of my life with who I still love so very much.
In our current societies, we are obsessed with 'good timing' and 'no bad days'. We strive to never have a real life experiences; no loss, no anger, no frustration, no sadness. We are supposed to run away from those feelings and it's no wonder that so many turn to drugs, alcohol, shopping, eating, etc. as a way to flee from those parts of the human experience. Our 'Denial Culture' acts as if just not thinking about something makes it hurt less, or not at all. We actually have entire industries dedicated to forgetting all our troubles, pretending movies are real, and living as if we all are famous, successful, rich, etc. Denial Culture can't deal with grief, the same way it doesn't play well with poverty, loss, pain, sadness, etc.
Set a healthy boundary with the world and don't be a part of the Denial Culture. Your grief journey represents your life and the love you have for the special people in your world. When you're ready to take a step out of grief, go ahead. If you need to run back into hiding for a bit after that, go ahead. Do you want to talk about your loved one with someone or say their name out loud? Do it! Do you need to limit conversations with people who cringe or disrespect you with constant nudges toward toxic positivity? This is your life and YOUR grief. You decide what comes next. It's always YOUR choice.
 |
| Happy Anniversary, Sean-8/21/ |
10
