What comes next?

Life moves on. Not really sure how I am, though. I had to return to work a week after Sean died. So many people just didn't understand the need, and I didn't understand how they couldn't see that. Most days I feel like the circus has been to town and I was their special guest performer. I haven't put much thought into the day-to-day. Every morning I get up. I put one foot in front of the other. Breathe in. Breathe out. Get dressed and go to work. Come home. Watch tv. Talk to the cats. Go to bed. Rinse and repeat. I'm trying hard to find my purpose again. For years I was the main caregiver for my husband. Now, there is no need to rush home after work to relieve a home health aide. There is nothing preventing me from going in later so I can leave earlier. I can go to evening meetings or company events. There is no one waiting for me, except the cats and they usually are sleeping anyway. I find I've been more unnerved by the 'kindness' of strangers. The well-meaning but incredibly stupid things people say, probably because they don't know what to say. I wonder if I ever said these things to someone: "How are you holding up?" (said while they only have their head popped into my office) "You're so brave." "At least he's in a better place." "Was he saved before he died?" "You look great!" "I don't know how you're still standing." "It's God's plan." "Are you lonely?" "Well, at least you still have the cats." I have things to occupy my time, but I feel rudderless. What is my purpose? What do I 'want' to do? What do I 'like' to do? What happens to all the plans I had with Sean? What happens to the vacations we wanted to go on? The destinations we wanted to revisit together? We had theater shows we wanted to see and bands we wanted to hear perform in-person. We had movies we wanted to watch and books we wanted to read to each other. We had plans for birthdays, holidays and our anniversary. What happens to all of those, now that he's not with me? Do I still celebrate them alone? I'm not sure I can. Just the thought squeezes my heart and it's hard to breathe. I wanted to do so much....WE planned to do so much together. Even disabled, with Sean in a wheelchair, we were making plans on how to travel and make that work. Now he's gone and all those plans went to the grave with him. Even the day-to-day changes are confusing. I got a promotion at work. I'm not really sure how I feel about it, because I'm not really sure how I feel about anything. Is it a good thing? Yes...no....maybe. The one person who would have helped me make sense of it isn't here to be my sounding board, my confidante, my coach, my cheerleader and my best friend. I do have amazing friends who listen and love me...I'm blessed to have them. But they have lives of their own and mine can't become their full-time gig. I feel so unsure. Just stumbling around. My Widow's Fog is in effect daily, though I need to fake when I can't see through it. One day at a time. I barely register what is happening today. He's been gone 2.5 months and I still can't think how or what comes next.