Life of a Childfree Widow

 

I have always lived my life as Childfree by Choice. I should clarify what that means to ME. It means that I have never wanted to breed (get pregnant or biologically give birth), raise, foster or adopt a child of any age. It was never something that held the slightest interest for me. I don’t hate children, some are quite adorable (in their own way), but I prefer to spend my time with ADULTS as often as possible.  Or animals; cats, dogs, etc. often bring me to a level of happiness I can’t even measure. I could easily swap and do animals instead of adults. But I digress…

Ironically, much of my career has centered around helping children and families who live in poverty, abuse/neglect, trauma, homelessness, addiction, and other life events which have made them even more vulnerable than they already are. My belief and values are that NO ONE should have to live with those painful conditions, and so, I work where the need is greatest. However, I don’t take it home with me.

I don’t think my mom ever accepted it. My dad never pitched a fit over it, but he was always the more tolerant of my differences within our family. Try as I might, I couldn’t distract mom by having her accept my cats as substitute grandchildren. I was college educated, had friends, hobbies and interests, but she wanted babies and no matter the guilt trips, I never boarded that vessel. Childfree was and is my choice and I stuck with it.

When I met Sean, I was up front from the start. I was in my early 40s, but it was a trend back then for women, desperate to not let the metaphorical parade pass them by or to fill an empty nest, to struggle and try to get pregnant after their ovaries ‘best-used-by date’ and go horribly into debt paying for IVF treatments.  I did not, then or ever, want to have children. I wanted a true partner-a companion, a travel-buddy, lover, conversationalist, comedian, supporter-who would focus on me, on US, and what we each wanted, so that we could then be happy together. We found each other and, despite naysayers and skeptics alike, we made it work, without the overwhelming distraction of kids. For 16 years we ROCKED it; loving each other and our crazy cats, until Sean died on January 13, 2024.     

Since Sean died, I have been asked, ‘What will you do now?’ ‘Aren’t you lonely?’ ‘What will you do now with all your time?’, ‘Aren’t you afraid of being alone?’ and of course, ‘Who will look after you now that he’s gone?’  Same person who has always looked after me; ME.

I miss my darling hubby more than words can properly express, but I’m not regretting the decision not to add children to the mix. I’ve never wanted them and despite near overwhelming societal and familial pressure, stayed true to myself and my values. Sean and I often discussed the various folks we knew who had kids because they thought they had to and while rightly prioritizing little people who could not take care of themselves without their parents, often lost sight of the person they loved in the first place. Sean and I never wanted that for ourselves-individually and as a couple. We stuck to our decision to love and honor each other-no regrets.

Sean and I also talked about why I am so good at my job, working with the folks I assisted and how I, as a Childfree woman, could possibly help parents. I’m good at what I do, because of the values I live by; loving myself first and foremost. I was blessed to have a loving partner who shared my values, but I wouldn’t have compromised my Childfree stance for him. Now that he is gone, that hasn’t changed. There is nurturing in the work I do, from one human being to another. I can still help people recognize the value in knowing their worth and how living true to themselves makes them better women, men, workers, friends, partners and yes, parents.

My love for my husband will ALWAYS be the love I have for him. I don’t feel the need to fill the void he has left with someone else who may ‘need’ me. I need me. My cats need me. The world needs me; just a childfree widow. I am also blessed to have loving friends who get me, as I am.  In this world, you ARE enough and your contribution to this life is amazing, whomever you choose or don’t choose to share your space with. Losing my partner, my darling Sean and not having children does not make me LESS than. It makes me who I’ve always been. Just me…and that is just right.